December 7, 2007

Guilt

Been feeling rather guilty lately about my role as a mom. Used to have separation anxieties about leaving Kyle when I travel for work, however lately, separation anxieties ended and guilt start creeping in.

Sometimes I still think about how life will be like if Kyle was not in my life. Not so much about the freedom and flexibility that I lost, but about how little value that I place on my own life when I was only living for myself. Previously I felt that it did not quite matter so much if anything untoward were to happen to me, probably only a short period of grief for those loved ones that I left behind.

I have stopped being indifferent since Kyle arrived. The value that I place on my life have become so much more significant when I recognize that there is a little person fully dependent on me. This was even more apparent lately when I experience bad turbulence on my flight back from Hong Kong. During that 10 seconds of turbulence, I prayed for safety and a fulfilling life to be able to bring Kyle up.

As for the guilt, it constantly bites at me each time I see a mother with a baby when I am in a foreign country. Maybe this guilt is part of / as a result of separation anxiety, I am not sure and I am not willing to look so much into it.

I have been given a choice to stop work and be 'there' for Kyle, but seriously, I don't have the guts to take that step. It is simply my insecurity making that decision...so much is holding me back from ever taking that step;
1) I am afraid that I will become stupid
2) Husband will start to think I am really trivial and will not respect my decision, i.e., lose my 'share of voice' in the marriage
3) Not able to have my own money to manage or save, and shop whenever I want to
4) Kyle becomes a mummy's boy, like more than 60% of Singapore men
5) Eventually become one of those silly, insecure woman who lives in denial and expects married son to treat mother the same as the wife i.e., entitled to alot of his attention, same share to his assets, wants to be in control of how grandchild is being brought up, thinks daughter in law is competition for son's affection.

Too much is at risk now...it will probably take a lot to change to take that step.







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